first day of the last month of the year.
life is still messed up.
mind is full of rubbish.
i no longer know what im thinking anymore.
what is life?
i want to escape from this reality.
from this world.
i want a world that is full of laughter and joy.
i dont wish to face all these unhappiness.
yar. maybe this is what i had been thinking too much.
i hate myself. seriously hate myself.
i dislike myself. for thinking too much
not being able to relax and just let things be.
along the walk home just now.
thinking, what am i to my friends?
am i a friend to them? or just some strangers?
when i thought of it, i feared.
fear that each one of them would tell me that im nobody to them.
i always affected about what others think of me.
maybe thats the way i am. thats the real me.
im stupid, unable to think properly.
im idiotic, always thinking too much.
im dumb, im whatever.
i always think that people would always need my help.
im stupid to think that way.
i always think that i can cheer people up.
but no. i cant cheer people up.
im too dumb to do that.
i think that i could entertain people.
but i think that im just a stupid, idiotic, dumb loner.
that would always be alone.
too much stupidity in my brain to think that people needs me.
i wanted to cry. but unable to cry it out.
why? i wanted to be strong but im always that weak.
why am i in this world? doesnt make a god damn difference whether im here or not.
this shows how fragile life is.
im back to my old days. depressed. always sad.
NOT to THINK TOO MUCH!
is that all i can do? but how can i not think so much?
im always thinking.
i tell myself not to think so much. but yet im still thinking.
fear hinders me. yes!
fear. the fear of losing everyone.
the moment i think that i lose everyone.
i felt helpless. maybe im too dependent on people.
but i cherish them too much to let them go.
to let them leave my life.
maybe this is me being sell fish.
all these while. maybe it was me daydreaming of having right by my side.
maybe i should admit im selfish.
wanting everyone together is to want them by my side.
this thought. is so selfish of me.
haas. forget it. i should tell myself to give up this thought.
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